I know I’ve been quiet lately. I’m sorry for that.
My mind is all over the place and I wish for peace and calm.
How It Started…
I’ve written about this before, but it’s been on my mind recently, thinking about exactly how I got here…
Looking at some of the tumblrs, it seems I’m pretty slow on the uptake. I wonder if certain events in my life hadn’t happened, would I still be lost in the dark, knowing there was a light there somewhere but just not knowing where the switch was?
Some of my earliest memories about sex involve “borrowing” an informative VHS from my parents about sex. I guess the goal of the video was to help couples who couldn’t really satisfy each other. It was my parents so I didn’t really want to analyse it too much, I just wanted to see what this wonderful thing called “sex” was. I was fascinated by the penises I saw, wanted to know what they felt like, hard and soft, in my hands, inside me…I learned about masturbation, and this was soon followed by rape fantasies.
I would pretend I had been kidnapped, and the men who took me would take turns with me. In my mind, I would imagine that I would struggle to get away from them, they would have to hold me down, gag me, fuck me through my tears. I guess I was around 12 at this point. I remember thinking there might be something wrong with me, getting off on these images.
Then as I grew up, I made a close group of friends who I am still friends with today. I met them when I was 13. I can’t even remember how it happened, but I think I must have mentioned something about being tied up. Then, forever more, and to this day, there was a long running “joke” that I was into bondage. For my 18th birthday, they got me a silly bondage kit, consisting of blindfold, plastic handcuffs, and a baby flogger. Oh, and a vibrator…that was nice…was used that night on me…
The guy that used that vibrator on me wasn’t my boyfriend at the time…oops. I soon broke up with the guy I was seeing. Me and this guy…lets call him S, had an on again off again thing for a while. He was my second sexual partner, but it was nothing serious. Then I went to work away…
My first year away, lol, I guess went a bit crazy. 15 guys in 1 year. Never a relationship, just sex. Not overly great sex either. But, I literally just remembered this…there was one guy who had a huge cock (although that’s not the point, just sayin’) and we had sex in his office, on a table, with my head on the window sill. When we were done, I sat up, and he said “shit, your head was on top of a saw”. I turned around and yes, there was a hack saw right where my head was. I remember thinking that was incredibly hot. Funny, the things you don’t notice about yourself…
After the first year was up, I went home, had more sex with S before going back for my second year. This was slightly different. 2 guys, and then a guy who I ended up having a 3 year relationship with. I wasn’t happy, but he became the father of my child so I tried to make it work. We experimented quite a bit with sex, and I remember once, he put his hand around my neck, and I told him to push harder. His wrist was resting on my collar bone which really hurt and made my eyes water, but I wanted him to squeeze harder. He stopped because he didn’t like seeing me cry and that kinda pissed me off lol.
Things didn’t work out and yes, back with the sex with S. We experimented more, I tore ligaments in his penis, he had to go to hospital. Lol. Sometimes we would have to be really, really quiet, and he made a point of stopping whenever I made a noise. I loved that. Sometimes he would put his hand over my mouth and I would go a bit crazy. I asked if he would be rough with me, and he just kinda fucked me harder. We would play with tying up, sometimes me, sometimes him. I convinced him to play rape with me and he made me promise I wouldn’t pretend to cry. Sigh. Then, I can’t remember how, but somehow I stumbled across the word that made it all click. “Abuse”. I realised I wanted him to abuse me, which he couldn’t do. But there was still something I couldn’t quite put my finger on.
Then I met a guy online and were just chatting as friends with a bit of flirting. I can’t even exactly remember what he said to me but it was as if I’d suddenly found that light switch, or perhaps, more accurately, he had, and my world was filled with light. The whole concept of D/s had never occurred to me before. I’d heard about it, but I guess I just never looked that hard.
After that, everything fell into place. Things made sense, I understood my urges, I knew what I wanted.
So I guess the point of this post is, if it wasn’t for that guy, would I still be in the dark? Or would I have found the switch myself?
I like causing pain too…
Thought I would give my new followers something to read and get this out there. I’ve been having difficulty bringing up this topic with Sir, so maybe this will prompt it. Unrelated to Her-master…honest lol
Can you be ok with always being second best? Never being able to be number 1, never being the favourite? Always second choice, the fall back, lesser…
I’m in the early stages of a relationship with Sir, just a couple of months, and He has a girlfriend/sub of 5+ years.
It isn’t the sharing that’s the problem, I just don’t know if I can be ok with never being His best…
Hello to all my new followers! And many thanks to Her-Master for sending you my way :-) (its the only reason I’ve been nice to him)
Being a bit slack with this lately. Sir has been busy and don’t want to say too much before I’ve had the chance to talk with Him. But I will still be posting :-)
Just NOT sayin’
Practice makes perfect
Sorry, I think I’ll have to leave you on a cliffhanger with my story lol. It will be finished, but not in the coming week.